Friday, March 23, 2012

Seriously!?

"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Yep, that's how I was woken up this morning. I was sleeping peacefully in our big, squishy bed when I heard the toddler's voice screaming "FIRE!" over the monitor.

Well, needless to say, that popped my eyes open, jolted my heart, and made me grab my glasses and swing my legs over the bed in .05 seconds.

However, the "Fire! Fire! Fire!" was followed by a split-second pause, a laugh, and then the usual requests: "Yogurt? Applesauce? Yogurt? MOMMY?"

I assumed my child's bedroom was not up in flames.

After our couch time with Super Why and Dinosaur Train and blankies and breakfast, I went into the kitchen to do the dishes. During this three-minute window of time, the toddler decided to get into my purse and pull out my unbelievably-long-lasting lip gloss/stick and smear it on his hair and scalp. By the time I made it back into the living room, he looked like the victim of some crazed ax murderer.

No problem, I thought. I'll just stick him in the tub and scrub that right off.

HA.

It quickly became apparent that a good-ol'-fashion scrubbing wasn't going to do the trick. So after the bath, I tried nail polish remover. Fail. And then the girl who cuts my hair suggested mixing shampoo with baking soda. That sounded legit, so I gave it a try. Nope, that didn't work. (And FYI, it still hasn't come off. We got lots of stares in Home Depot.)

Somewhere between putting down the bowl of shampoo/baking soda and taking the face towel that I'd used to scrub his head with to the laundry room, the toddler (who has never done this) walked back to our bathroom, opened my makeup drawer, pulled out a tube of actual lipstick, and smeared it all over his arms and face. He walked proudly into the living room. "Mama!" he shouted. And once again, the Texas chainsaw massacre was coming true in my living room. I grabbed him as fast as I could and ran for the sink. We were both covered in lipstick--but unlike my other long-lasting lip color, this came off. Thank Heavens!

After the second spanking for the day and the third (fourth? fifth?) trip to time-out, the toddler was at it again--this time while I was at my computer.

I was at my desk, editing, when I heard the toddler walk into the office. "Mommy, yucky. Is yucky," he said.

"What's yucky, baby?" I asked absent-mindedly.

Then, as if I hadn't truly learned my lesson for the day, I turned around to see the toddler holding the spoon for the baking soda/shampoo mixture that he'd.been.eating.

Just at this moment, as I was contacting Poison Control, my friend pulled into the driveway for our 11:00 walk.

That's right--all this occurred before 11:00 AM.

But I'm not finished.

When we got back from the walk, another friend called and we had one of those hour-long, heart-to-heart chats. The toddler was in the playroom, entertaining himself very well. I was so pleased. Until I got off the phone and he approached me with this. . .


Yes, that would be the battery for my one thousand dollar camera.

I smiled a scary smile--it was all I could do. And I thought in my head that I was going to scream bloody murder in two seconds. Terrified, I walked into the playroom to find this:




So yes, this has been my day. :)

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